a new way to resolve conflict

I’ve always been a huge observer of the various forms of conflict, what causes it, and most importantly, how to resolve it. For a long time I had a standard approach to all conflict –

1. Assume the fault is mine, and see if I can get past it

2. If I can’t get past it, decide whether the person is worth having the conflict (conflict resolution is a huge effort, and some acquaintances just aren’t worth it)

3. If I can’t get past it, consider all the things I want to say to explain the problem I’m having, and more importantly, how I’m going to say those things

4. Plan to have the conflict resolution discussion at the right time

In this way, I thought I was taking a very proactive approach to ‘friendship building’. Great friendships require conflict and resolution, and these battles are what make the friendship stronger.

However, I’ve been confronted by a problem with my method. There’s a huge amount of ego in it – effectively, I’m saying, ‘You’re not good enough the way you are, and if you want to remain friends, I want you to change this about yourself”. Whenever you set about to change other people (unless they’re specifically asking for your help), the desire is coming from a place of ego.

Recently, I had a conflict with a good friend that I normally would have confronted him about. But this time, I’m trying something new. I’m accepting it, fully and without resentment. I’m making an effort to fully accept this person, his worldview, to leave his actions in the past, and continue forward without missing a beat. This might be called forgiveness, but I’m aiming for something more than that. Forgiveness, beautiful an act as it may be, implies ego – ‘you’ve wronged me, and thus you owe me a debt that I, in my infinite mercy, will forgive you for’.

Acceptance is different. It’s not saying, ‘you wronged me’ – it’s eliminating the actors and saying, ‘this thing happened. Ok.’ It’s also not taking a ‘higher road’ that I can lord over the person, which of course is neither forgiveness nor acceptance. It’s accepting people as they are, loving them for being exactly that, and nothing more. It is refusing to suffer any ‘offense’.

I admit, it’s a new territory for me – I don’t know what will come of it, or whether I will find myself equal to it. One part of me wonders how this works – logically, I can’t trust him in a certain way again (fool me twice, shame on me, etc.) – that’s not acceptance, it’s just logic…right? Weaker parts of me hope my friend takes notice, and it stirs a change in him. I’m most curious to see whether I can accept it to the point where it’s almost as though it never happened. Will report back, if I discover anything.